buckling down.

having joe gone makes mornings even harder. i don't have him telling me to get up or his alarm going off in addition to my own. i don't have the flexibility of getting ready slowly and letting joe get ben ready. plus george always tries to talk me into sleeping in. he's so persuasive!

come on, mom! it's so cozy in here!

all that being said, we got off to a pretty late start today. as stressful as that can be, it always makes my day to be greeted by this face each morning!

today is my weigh in day. it wasn't great. so, if we're being honest, i've been half-heartedly working on losing weight for probably about 6 weeks now. i hit that great milestone number and then have been slacking ever since (and haven't seen that number since, either). i haven't been making it a priority to make it to the gym regularly, haven't been disciplined with what or how much i'm eating, and overall have just been off-track. so, that changes today because it's important to me to continue a healthy lifestyle and to accomplish my weight loss and fitness goals.

it kind of feels weird to talk about this on here. i'm a pretty open book on most topics, but for some reason when it comes to weight, self-esteem, and insecurities about my appearance, i'm really uncomfortable sharing. i think it shows too much vulnerability. this has probably been the most personal, intimate struggle i've had throughout my life. i've never (at least not for extended periods of time) felt good about my size. no matter my weight over the past 10+ years i've wanted to weigh less. i look back at certain pictures of myself and think "i looked pretty good," but find it strange that i remember feeling fat and ugly at the time they were taken. i truly don't remember a time since beginning high school when i wasn't on some sort of weight-loss plan (regardless of whether or not i was sticking to it). writing that just now it strikes me how sad that is. it's just not a way to live. i don't want to be constantly dissatisfied with how i look. i don't want to have that be something that i focus so much on that i miss out on more important things.

how do you make healthy eating and exercise (and wanting to lose weight in a healthy way) a priority without it taking over your life? i don't want eating out to be stressful because it's something i really enjoy. i don't want holidays, vacations or other celebrations to be thought of as diet-busters rather than enjoyable events shared with family and friends. but i do want to lose weight. i want to be healthy. i want to feel good in my body. i don't know how to have both. i guess that balance is going to be something i'll have to continue to strive for and work toward.

regardless, i'm buckling down starting today. i'll be working on eating more fruits and vegetables and less sugar and junk, drinking more water, and getting in some sort of exercise most days.

cleaning out my snack drawer at work!

that's better

 and tonight i'm going to see janice. she'll whip me into shape in no time!