4 more weeks.

my blogging has been minimal lately, primarily because i have been taking the opportunity to nap while bennett naps almost everyday. considering i'm sleeping terribly at night, i'm thankful for the rest time each afternoon. bennett has been napping for 3+ hours which has been amazing. i know i won't have consistent childless stretches like that in just 4 short weeks, so i'm fully embracing it while i have the chance.

36 weeks.

we (mostly joe and my mom, if we are being honest) got bennett's new room mostly finished and he's successfully transitioned to his new space. we are having the carpet replaced in there at the end of the week and have a few details to finish up, then i'll post the before and after photos. i'm very happy with how it has turned out and even happier than bennett adjusted relatively seamlessly (we all know how i feel about transitions).

we got started on setting up the nursery and my mom is coming again next week to help finish it up. it's looking so cute and it is all starting to feel real! i had a minor freak out when i took the newborn diapers out of the package to put in the dresser drawers- they're so tiny and i can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that i'm going to have a tiny new baby who fits in them in a month! i am excited for new things to come but i am feeling oddly sentimental about the end of the era with bennett as our one and only.

bennett is at such a fun age and i am loving my time at home with him. we have made several trips to the children's museum, indoor parks, and lots of play dates with friends.

as much as i am sad to think about bennett not being our baby anymore, i am so excited to see him interact with the new babe and take on the big brother role. i imagine there will be some challenges in the transition, but i know he will love having a baby brother and being mommy and daddy's (or mom and joe as he often calls us these days...) special helper. plus, he will always be my baby no matter what.

the scariest valentines day ever.

so we had quite a scare recently. thursday night (the 13th), bennett started to seem off- like he wasn't feeling well. he was up quite a few times in the night crying and i chalked it up to teething. friday morning (valentines day), bennett slept in until well after 8 and woke up crying, both of which are very unusual for him. he was inconsolable and felt extremely warm so i knew he was sick. shortly after getting up and drinking some milk, he threw up (a first for him). luckily joe had come home from work so he took care of getting things cleaned up (husband of the year!) while i gave bennett a bath and got him changed. we spent the rest of the day watching tv and sleeping. he fell asleep on me and napped with me in our bed, which is just so not him. i hated seeing him so sick but i must admit i loved the snuggles.

around 4:45, joe ran to walgreens to get more infant tylenol and to pick up some takeout for dinner (romantic valentines day, huh?). bennett and i were just watching mickey mouse clubhouse when suddenly bennett's arm flailed up and went rigid. i grabbed him and turned him toward me and he wouldn't respond to me calling his name. his eyes were looking up and he was making a strange gurgling noise. i didn't know what was happening but thought maybe he was going to throw up again so i ran him to the bathroom, continuing to say his name with no response. he wasn't shaking, but his whole body was rigid. i realized he might be having a seizure and started to panic. i grabbed my phone and dialed 911.

the emergency responders made me stay on the phone with them until someone arrived so i couldn't even call joe to tell him what was going on. i was hysterical and they kept telling me to calm down. umm, seriously? bennett started to fall asleep but i didn't know if he was losing consciousness or what and they kept asking if he was breathing. having to put my face close to his to feel for breathing is something i never want to have to do again. 

within a few minutes (that felt like hours) the fire department arrived. by then bennett was awake but completely lethargic and out of it. i called joe and told him what happened briefly and said to get home. the paramedics arrived and joe got home shortly after. the paramedics explained that febrile seizures (seizures induced by high fevers) are common in young children because their bodies can't handle the rapid rise (or fall) in temperature. they said that these seizures are not actually harmful and don't have any negative long-term effects. they told us to take him in to figure out what was causing the fever but that they didn't need to take him by ambulance as he wasn't in any danger.

we spent the evening in the emergency room. his temperature there was 103.8. they tested bennett for influenza and RSV (both negative). they also did a chest x-ray and tested for urinary issues. because he hadn't eaten or drank much of anything all day, it took forever to get a urine sample. the only thing that kept him occupied and calm was joe pushing us around in a wheelchair and me singing him songs by request :) ultimately (after 4 hours) they couldn't find anything causing the fever and let us go home. they encouraged us to give bennett medication every two hours, alternating children's motrin with infant tylenol, to keep his fever down. it took a day and a half to get his fever below 100, but by monday he was good as new.

to say that was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me is an understatement. i've never felt more helpless and panicked before. i'm thankful that this isn't anything to be concerned about as far as long-term impact goes and that our little buddy is back to his happy, healthy, and energetic self.

one word.

this week at church, pastor jason anderson challenged us to choose one word to focus on this year. he said the word might represent a change we want to make or a quality we want to develop. instantly the word "discipline" popped into my mind. as much as i would've preferred a word like "rest" or "shopping," discipline immediately resonated. in so many areas of my life i struggle with self-discipline. diet and exercise top the list, but it extends far beyond that to things like finances, housework, and just general follow through on things i set out to do.

in the name of full disclosure, i think i have become too comfortable with complacency. i talk about wanting to make changes but rarely fully commit to the hard work it takes to do so. it's easy to box myself in and say things just "aren't me," when really it's that i doubt my ability or willingness to succeed. i say things like "i'm just not a saver." while spending comes naturally to me and saving does not, making the claim that it's just not me only keeps me stuck in the same place. it's also an excuse so i can justify unnecessary spending as anything but irresponsibility.

in the same way, i joke about hating running and loving doughnuts, or even some combo of the two like, "i'll only run if it's toward doughnuts." it's true: i do hate running and i do love doughnuts. but the jokes are a facade. i don't want to admit things i believe about myself like "i'm not disciplined enough to be a runner," and "i am not disciplined enough to commit to healthy eating." the running example is maybe too far because in all honesty i have no desire to be a runner. but you get the point. i doubt my ability to exercise (see what i did there?) self-discipline, so i make jokes and excuses so i don't feel as bad about it. but i feel bad about it anyway.

i want "discipline" to be my word for 2014. i want to prove to myself that i can follow through with whatever I put my mind to doing and be successful. i have to remind myself that this is a process, though. today i set out with discipline in mind. i had a healthy breakfast and ben and i went to the Y where I worked out for 45 minutes, big baby belly and all. by the time we went to leave the Y it was lunchtime and we were both hungry, so i stopped at arby's and grabbed luch for us to take home. turns out a market fresh turkey bacon ranch sandwich from arby's has a whopping 800 calories (i looked it up after i ate it, naturally). instead of chalking it up as a lesson and moving on, i started feeling like i failed and decided to have two of the cookies i'd made for our super bowl party yesterday. real disciplined, right?

i could continue to use each poor choice as a reason to make another or i can choose to not let it set me back. discipline doesn't mean never making a mistake. it involves persistence despite setbacks. the definition of self-discipline is "correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement." you can't need correction if you don't make mistakes, so they're part of the deal. perfection isn't realistic, and i need to accept that if i am going to experience success in anything i set out to do.