i've written plenty of times before about the struggle i've experienced with insecurity about my weight and appearance. and i've mentioned that pregnancy has really only exacerbated the issue since weight gain is inevitable. for someone who's been on a seemingly never-ending quest to lose weight and achieve a certain body ideal, weight gain (pregnant or otherwise) is a major trigger for feeling like a failure. and during pregnancy, i don't have the same unrestricted access to my go-to strategies for gaining a sense of control.
after stewing in this for a while now and dabbling in (but never fully committing to) methods to control or manage my weight gain, i've really started to evaluate the heart of the matter. why is this such a struggle for me? why does it matter so much to me? is this really how i have to live my life- constantly engulfed with critical self-talk, hating what i see in the mirror, a slave to the scale?
clearly the answer is no, but something keeps me coming back for more. i'm getting something out of this cycle, so i stay in it despite recognizing that it's not healthy for me. i think what i've determined is that ultimately it's the sense of control that keeps me coming back. it's a false sense of control, because it really doesn't work and isn't a lasting solution to the problem. but i get a rush from the sense of control i gain when i develop a new strategy: a new diet plan, a new exercise regimen, a fresh start on a monday morning. letting go of that control is scary. it's uncharted territory for me.
ok, so back to the "God moment." i was looking online yesterday for christian books on this topic of weight and self-image and came across one called made to crave by lysa terkeurst. i thought it looked interesting, but ultimately opted not to order it and went on with my day.
last night, my friend katie came over. we hadn't seen each other and had the opportunity to really catch up in quite a while, so it was really nice to connect with her. while she was over, we spent a lot of time discussing God and how He wants us to be free of this battle with insecurity and yo-yo dieting. katie and i have been close since high school and have always been able to relate to and support/challenge one another both in this struggle with body image and in our faith. having the opportunity to verbalize what's been stirring around in my head with someone who i know truly gets it was really cathartic and i felt encouraged to begin to seek God for true freedom.
then, this morning i received the proverbs 31 ministries daily devotional in my email as i do each morning. i opened it and read through it. then something at the bottom of the page caught my eye. the author of the day's devotional was lysa terkeurst and there was a blurb about her book, made to crave. on top of that, there was a link to sign up for a free online Bible study of made to crave starting in january. i couldn't believe it- i know God led me to that for a purpose. without hesitation i signed up for the bible study and ordered the book.
i'm so excited to start and to learn how to let go of my need for control and my unhealthy focus on weight and outward appearance. i'm praying that God will use this study to help me turn to Him and ask Him boldly to conquer this stronghold in me. i came across a verse written on a note card on my desk yesterday that had spoken to me early last spring when we began our house hunting adventure. another unlikely "coincidence" that i came across the note card yesterday.
"let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." -hebrews 4:16i intend to.