empowered.

this has been the first week of the made to crave bible study. honestly, i haven't put much effort into it up until this point and have just been feeling blah about it. i'm 31 weeks pregnant, feeling like a beached whale, not sleeping well, sensitive and emotional and just over it. i've found myself doing a lot of rationalization of poor choices lately. "i'm pregnant so i deserve a blizzard." "i'm just gaining weight anyway so i may as well eat as much as i want." the problem is, i feel terrible afterward- both physically and emotionally. it's not worth it, but i feel stuck in this cycle of defeat.

i really resonated with this on page 28 of made to crave: "...this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size i was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. i thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. so much so, i knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to his control. really surrender. surrender to the point where i'd make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health."

really the only thing that changes when i'm pregnant is that i am no longer attempting to lose weight. it's certainly not an excuse to eat poorly, and the emotional and spiritual battle that crushes my self-esteem and robs me of my joy remains, and wages even stronger in many ways. while weight gain is an inevitable part of pregnancy, overeating or eating unhealthy foods in excess has the same effects, pregnant or not, which include [extra] weight gain, physical discomfort, and a fueled emotional and spiritual cycle of defeat.

maybe pregnancy is the perfect time to really dive in and work on this issue because it forces me to take weight loss out of the equation. i can't measure my success by a number on the scale or the size of my jeans. well, i certainly can, but i would have to be a major glutton for punishment as both those numbers are likely to continue increasing over the next 9 weeks. instead i have to focus on and gauge my success by the food choices i make, the exercise i do, and the way i feel.

the word of the week for the made to crave bible study is empowered. i can't truly claim to have felt all that empowered lately, but that doesn't necessarily mean i'm not. empowered means given the authority or power to do something. in this case, whether i feel it or not, God has empowered me to conquer this stronghold. my job is not to muster up the strength or power on my own; rather, my responsibility is to tap into the power God freely gives. while it still requires action on my part, it sounds less daunting to just utilize the power offered to me rather than trying to find it in my own strength, which fails me regularly.

i am empowered. i just need to trust God and take him at His word, which says, "i can do all things through Christ who [empowers me]." -philippians 4:13